It Hurts...

It's almost been a week now, but the pain is still there. Not that I expected it to be gone any time soon, but it's still frustrating. Everyone is telling me that I seem to take it so well, but that's not really true, I just don't show how I feel. I never really do...

I feel lost... adrift... without direction... I had a clear idea of what I wanted to do with my life, and now I lost a large part of that. The knowledge that I will never be able to hold him close or hug him or wake up next to him in the morning, or go to sleep with him by my side... It breaks my heart.

I keep feeling like I will never find someone else, don't even know if I want to. But I guess that's a phase and I will get over it. Or at least I hope so.

It just hurts... Thoughts and questions keep going through my head... Why didn't he love me enough to stay with me? Did he ever love me? Did he stop loving me but never got around to breaking up with me? Was I with him and he wished I wasn't? Is he relieved to be rid of me now? Why was I not worth fighting for?

This is my first weekend in my appartment... I used to spend my entire weekend at his house. It feels hard... I miss him... I just don't know what to do with myself now that I'm alone....

I guess I always suspected that I loved him a lot more than he loved me, but finding out that it was true is a lot more hurtful than I ever thought possible.