It Hurts...

It's almost been a week now, but the pain is still there. Not that I expected it to be gone any time soon, but it's still frustrating. Everyone is telling me that I seem to take it so well, but that's not really true, I just don't show how I feel. I never really do...

I feel lost... adrift... without direction... I had a clear idea of what I wanted to do with my life, and now I lost a large part of that. The knowledge that I will never be able to hold him close or hug him or wake up next to him in the morning, or go to sleep with him by my side... It breaks my heart.

I keep feeling like I will never find someone else, don't even know if I want to. But I guess that's a phase and I will get over it. Or at least I hope so.

It just hurts... Thoughts and questions keep going through my head... Why didn't he love me enough to stay with me? Did he ever love me? Did he stop loving me but never got around to breaking up with me? Was I with him and he wished I wasn't? Is he relieved to be rid of me now? Why was I not worth fighting for?

This is my first weekend in my appartment... I used to spend my entire weekend at his house. It feels hard... I miss him... I just don't know what to do with myself now that I'm alone....

I guess I always suspected that I loved him a lot more than he loved me, but finding out that it was true is a lot more hurtful than I ever thought possible.

Where do I go from here?

That is a very important question at this moment of time, I suppose. Yet I have no answer. I find myself at loose ends unable to decide what I want to do and where I want to go.

I moved away from home to experience another country and be closer to by boyfriend. I've experienced the country now for almost 5 years, and my boyfriend has broken up with me. So what should I do next?

Should I stay where I am, where I've got a job and a nice appartment as well as a few friends. Or should I return home to Sweden where my family is and try to make a life for me there. Or... Should I try another country all together? So many questions and so few answers. I really don't know what I want to do.

I guess I was always hoping that this was it, I'd found the love of my life and we'd settle down together and I'd never have to worry about what to do with my life. Well, since that didn't happen, I'll have to make some decisions.

However, I'm still hurting, it's only been like 36 hours or so... I guess I shouldn't worry about these kind of things yet. But I can't help starting to think about it, I guess I'm an incurable planner, I like having a good idea about where I'm going.

But for now I guess I better concentrate on being comfortable with myself, celebrate Christmas with my family... and then I can worry about the rest later.

When All is Said and Done

So it's happened. Our relationship is over as per 2.30 am last night.

I guess I was kind of expecting it, but that doesn't make it any less painful. After all, this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with... But apparently he didn't feel the same way about me. I realise that considering that, it's better that it ended, but it still hurts.

You can't really escape the questions... Am I not good enough? Why doesn't he love me as much as I love him?

The thought of never seeing him again, never hugging him or holding him close, never speaking with him, it breaks my heart.

But in the end, I hope he'll be happy. That he'll find the happiness he couldn't find with me.

For myself I just have to take one day at a time to begin with. We're less than 4 weeks away from what would have been our 5 year anniversary, that feels sad. I have to decide what I want to do with my life, because at this point, I really don't know. I kept hoping that we could work out our difficulties and that we'd stay together. Now that I'm alone again, I have no idea what to do with myself.

There are many options, but at this moment neither seems enticing. I hope that as time progresses I will be more interested in something though, and maybe I can find something I wish to do.

Right now, I will concentrate on other things, try to forget the pain, maybe start buying Christmas gifts for when I'm going home to visit in a month. That'll be good and hopefully help some... Seeing my family again.

The Edge of Reason

Or rather, Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason. I went to see that tonight with a friend of mine (her birthday present from me together with a dinner in an Italian restaurant... A pleasant evening on the whole...) and some of my fears were really there, but it still was better than expected.

My worry before seeing the movie was that it would ruin the experience of the first. Fortunately that didn't happen. However, I found myself quite frustrated and annoyed at times, just watching Bridget muddle her way through some thoroughly embarrassing situations. She's over-reacting a bit much, and several situations are just too over the top or trying too hard to be funny.

The fact that she was even for a moment considering going back to Cleaver bothered me a lot, but I suppose we all make misjudgments every now and then, so I can forgive her that one. Her friends weren't as charming as in the first movie, in this one I found them mainly selfish and annoying, their suggestions horrible.

However, on the whole it's a pretty sweet movie. And it's got Colin Firth... After all, there's not a movie with Colin Firth in it that's not worth watching... My favourite scene in the entire movie was probably when Darcy was chasing Cleaver around to the music of The Darkness. I found that part hilarious!

Something about the movie I found difficult to believe though was that even though only 6 weeks had passed since the first movie, Bridget was already starting to fret about when or if Darcy would propose to her. Isn't it a bit soon to be worrying about that so soon after you got together?

But then, I haven't got much to judge from I suppose. Considering that after a 5 year relationship I don't even live with my boyfriend. But even so, 6 weeks seems awfully short.

Anyway, the movie is worth watching. I probably wouldn't even mind seeing it again some time, if only to see Darcy trying to drown Cleaver again...

What I Want for Christmas...

So the Christmas Countdown is starting early this year, I'm already waiting for it and hoping it will soon be time to take in and dress the tree. It's just over 5 weeks left, so not so much longer! (I guess I better start looking for Christmas gifts...)

At the same time I feel kind of sad as well, because I seem to be in the same spot I was one year ago... or even two years ago for that matter. I would love for my boyfriend to come with me and celebrate Christmas in Sweden with me, just once... If he doesn't like it, then fair enough... But he refuses to come along every year. In fact, he's refusing to come along to Sweden at all since about 4.5 years now.

Last year I was practically begging on my knees for him to join me, but he wouldn't relent. This year I've given up on begging since it obviously makes no difference. I seem to be out of options, and I've just resigned myself to the fact that he won't come along.

But then where does that leave our relationship, if he will never come with me to visit my family? I know I'm not someone who could keep the lives completely separate, I'm not someone who would even want to. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I believe in living together and sharing each other's lives... Visiting each other's families... Getting married... Having children... (Sure, a bit of time apart every now and then is only healthy, but that's a different point)

The way our relationship is now, I know it won't last... Because I can't live my life that way... And if leaves me feeling a bit at odds and not knowing where to go from here. He's giving me no indication of what he wants... Whenever I try to find out I just don't get an answer... And I don't know what to do...

Anyway, on a different note. I managed to finish Chapter 6 today... It needs some revisions, but I'm thinking I'll do that later on, right now I really just need to keep writing to keep the book moving.

But now I'm going to watch Shrek 2 (again) and feel sorry for myself...

Chapter 6 Panic

I'm now two weeks behind on my own deadline, I really need to get a grip. I wanted to finish one chapter per week, but after the first week (during which I finished chapter 5) I've not since managed to finish a single chapter.

The week it was meant to be written I was sick and so I never found the energy (or inspiration) to write it. The week after (last week) I should have managed, but I ended up being quite busy at work and felt too tired when I get home.

And unfortunately it doesn't end there. I'm having some kind of Chapter 6 breakdown or something. It took me all of last week to figure out how to start it. I tried four different ways to start the chapter, and neither worked out. Now I think I've finally got it, but having written a couple of pages I seem to have lost my touch and I don't know how to continue.

It's very frustrating and I guess I'll just have to force myself to write something. If it's total crap, then so be it. It's easier to edit a page full with text than a blank page, as some wise writer once said...

So I better get to it.. Wish me luck!

Sick & Tired

Yes yes, I know that's the title of a song, but it seemed suitable.

I ended up being sick all of last week so didn't get anything written at all, which makes me feel really guilty. I've already failed my own personal deadline. Anyway, I'm planning to get back on track this week and get Chapter 6 ready by Sunday!

It's amazing really how exhausted you can be after having spent an entire week in bed. One would think you'd feel rested and relaxed instead, but no...

Of course I've come back to a fairly humongous backlog of work that's been piled up during my absence last week. I've worked through some of it, but there's still a lot to go.

Hmm.. I've just realised this must be one of the most boring blogs in the history of the universe, but I'm doing it mainly for my own entertainment anyway, so who cares?

Well, I better get back to that pile of work...

Behind...

Fortunately for me I managed to finish my chapter for last week on the first day of the week, because I was too busy during the rest of the week to even write a single sentence. So, still on schedule! *fingers crossed* Although this week it's going slow, I've not even started this week's chapter and it's already Wednesday!

So I'm quite behind... I won't make excuses, I will finish it...somehow... Last week Tuesday my sister came to visit. She's studying in France these days, so it was nice to get to see her. She stayed until yesterday morning. During her stay I didn't get anything written since I was working during the days and spending the evenings with her.

And now I'm sick *sigh* So now I don't have the energy to write. I hope I will feel better soon, because I really want to stick to my 'chapter-a-week deadline'.

I'm currently considering re-arranging a couple of things in the book to add some tension a bit sooner than previously planned, but I'll have to think about it a little more when my head doesn't feel like it's wrapped in a ball of cotton.

The week with my sister was really nice. We went out to the cinema one evening, did some shopping and had several nice evenings at home with nice food and watching movies. Then we had a Halloween party with some friends which was really nice.

It feels a bit sad that she's left again, but hopefully we'll meet at Christmas when we both go home to visit our family. I just hope I won't run into any problems with getting time off from work.

Anyway, I better get some more rest so that I can get back to work and writing.